Create in me a new heart, O’ Lord, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Psalm 51:10
I am not trying to be emotional but my heart is all about it.
I feel called to go to back to Africa – I’m all about it. With a passion to help others paired with the rich experience John and I gained from being in Africa for 3 weeks in the summer of 2019, we look to God for what is next.
All I want to do is speak the loudest, whether that be with teaching or serving with Beacon of Hope in Kenya. The reality is, Beacon Of Hope doesn’t need me. Schools don’t need me. But I am mindful of the love within the community at Beacon Of Hope in Kenya, and now I want to apply that love here, in this community in Madison. Being in Africa taught me how to give back the glory due His name and to let it not be in vain.
The fleece
There is a love of learning within me, which can be a problem with the various programs offered through graduate schools, who feed on people like me looking to sharpen their skills and learn until there is no end. Yet, a degree would not be necessary to go back to teaching in special education. Even then, what degree would I pursue were I to go back? Educational Leadership, or something else? As an educator who taught for five years in public schools – the reality of hard work was like a slap in the face. Fortunately, my husband John is a very hard worker, and was also a teacher at one point. There was a period of time where I questioned my desire to return as a teacher or go on a different path. My husband challenges (out of love) me with hard questions because he understands the difficulty of leaving a the field.
“To be sure, King translated his own understanding of humanity and God into his prayers and practice of praying, but he was always aware of the limitations of his perspective as a human being. There are indeed lessons here for persons of faith who divorce prayer and the experience of praying form the life of the mind and intellect, or who assume that these are strictly spiritual disciplines that require no real effort to think, learn, and analyze.”
-Lewis Baldwin
The struggle in teaching is a self-esteem issue. It comes with feelings of worthlessness as many students prefer to look at IG, Snapchat, or YouTube instead of learning by being in the classroom. There are frustrations that come with IEP deadlines and revisions, but not to a point where I am on the brink of quitting. Perhaps, continuing my education will sharpen my current knowledge and understanding – and help me to become a better teacher. Perhaps, my skills as a teacher are solid enough to where God will use me in a different way; Nothing is crystal clear, but it’s a good thing God’s thoughts are way higher than my own.
Through prayer, I’ve asked whether leaving the profession is the right thing to do, or if I am really avoiding something about teaching – perhaps anxiety, pain, or struggle. Is this the case, O’ God? Lord, then my prayers to permanetly transition out of teaching with no other reason than it being hard may be one of selfishness. This is not new to humanity, and is something I can only fight with the help of God. Oh, Lord, soften my heart.
Nicole, my dear daughter, you are a deep thinker! You always have been, and in my perspective, over think things! Yes, teaching, has become an unrewarding experience, especially in special education! I remember your first job in Baraboo cwhere you dealt with preteenagers! Use your gut instinct! Perhaps, that is not where you should be, but I know you are special and have the ability to show your love and uniqueness! I still have thoughts about wether I will make a difference, but I know my love is strong for you to be happy and fullfilled! Believe in yourself and don’t question what you should do! Don’t think so hard about it, smell the flowers and love what you have! Love you boo much! Mom